Day 5
Stomach still churning. The weather is getting to me. I just need to hold out a bit longer. That feeling is coming back again. I keep thinking about how no matter what I do it seems I am trapped in my own psyche. Friends and family tell me I should talk it out, and I know that I should go out more. But what good is it if I'm just going to end up home again? With my depressive thoughts? Alone... with no idea what to do and no idea where I'm going. I'm just a balloon, floating around with no sense of purpose.
And I guess that will be today's topic: Purpose.
A search for greater meaning
Every time I think I've found something, it crumbles again. I'm a chronic overthinker, so it makes sense that I'm always looking for deeper meaning in things. Why am I here? What do I bring to the table? Am I of any use to anyone, if I can't even help myself? I don't know. In the past, what I've found to help is digging deeper into things. Rather than having a breadth of things to do, it's better to focus on just a few things and go into them deeply. Yet these days I just don't have that drive anymore. All I want is comfort, yet when I find the comfort, it seems I can't even accept it.
Let me try to look at things more analytically. What is causing this depression? Why do I feel this sense that there's no point in doing anything? It could be something simple. My diet hasn't been great lately, partly because I've been dealing with this stomach issue. But I'm not even sure what the issue is. I have stomach aches, headaches and a sore throat. And part of me wants this; now I have an excuse to stay home all day and lie down. But another part of me sees it as a trap. I'm just going to fall into my depressive thoughts again if I just stay home. And then I'll search for another distraction to avoid the problem. And it'll repeat again.
I think part of it is that this problem feels insurmountable. Too vague to fully understand, too large to find a weak point. I need the help of others to fully understand it. But why would others help me when they have their own problems and responsibilities to deal with? So for now I guess I'll look at it myself.
The day-to-day life
What can I improve upon, what can I work on to change this? Maybe my daily schedule, and general habits. What habits do I currently have? Let's see, I wake up in the morning, and I don't get out of bed immediately. I lie down for a while and nap longer to avoid having to wake up. Once I get up, I take my meds, message my girlfriend, and make breakfast while I try to find in me a reason to push forward. I may take a shower, look at what's on the agenda for today, and get going. From there, I go about my day in a random fashion, just finding things to do to pass the time until I can get back into bed. I try to work on my classes, but I get overwhelmed when I get stuck on a problem and don't know what to do. I try to work on my responsibilities, but then I get overwhelmed thinking about how there are people who rely on me and need me to show up. I go home, cook dinner, and then finally get back to bed. I watch some videos to pass the time, numbing myself out from the mess that is my head. Slowly, I fall asleep, happy that I can soon have a temporary release from life through sleep.
As you can see, my daily routine seems to circle around sleep. I spend my days waiting for the sweet release of sleep, and I get so sad in the morning when I have to get out of bed. How can I change this? Maybe find more things to do for fun throughout the day? Maybe a better sense of structure, of planning for what I should do tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after? Yet there's always this friction, this friction that stops me. My willpower is so low that any little friction seems to stop me. And then I punch down on myself for having such a weak mind. I told myself at the start of this year that I would work to be nicer to myself. To accept what I am and to give myself space and time to process things and heal. Yet the inner critic seems to give me no space to breathe. Always ruminating, always worrying about the things I have to do. Nothing seems to bring me joy anymore.
I have a therapy session tomorrow, so I'm hoping that will bring some clarity.
