Day 4
Maybe it's just this damn room. Maybe it's my own isolation that is eating away at me. But why do I hate myself so much? Why can't I stand being alone with myself?
No matter what I try, no matter what I do, there's this dark part of me that always follows. Criticizing my every move. Telling me, it won't amount to anything. Nothing will ever work out in your favor. There must be a reason this part of me hasn't left yet. Somewhere in my psyche, I believe their words. I believe that it's all hopeless, that no matter what, it won't change anything. But I want to change! I want to be in a different reality, one where I can try again, as a clean slate with no history of who I am or what I've done. However, I must accept that it is not as easy as that. I must accept that this part of me had a purpose in the past, and has helped me survive. It may be detrimental to me now, but at some point I needed it.
Sometimes I wonder whether having access to the internet was a net positive or net negative. On the one hand, it has given me access to an endless amount of information, and has allowed me to explore so many different types of medias, genres, and art. Yet on the other hand, it has allowed me to develop maladaptive coping mechanisms to deal with the crushing weight of reality. I now have and know so many ways to numb myself out. Not to mention the distortion and brain-rot the internet causes with social media and the online world.
Regardless, this is my reality. If I didn't have access to the internet, I wouldn't be able to write blogs like this. And as much as it can negatively affect my mental health, the internet is also such a useful tool for seeking help, finding new communities and learning new things. All I can do is use the tool to my advantage, while avoiding the pitfalls of social media and other endless distractions.
A lot of self-help books and "mindset shifts" seem to have this major theme that you can choose the reality you wish to be in. I don't know if that's true. The trauma still weighs on me heavily, and no matter what I do it always seems to come back to this basic need for safety. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I just want to feel safe enough to express myself however I please. For now, I can at least try to express myself online, in blogs like this. Part of me believes in this narrative that reality can be whatever I want it to be. Maybe heaven and hell are simply metaphorical for your reality. It can either be heaven or hell, the way you live, it all depends on your outlook, on your choice of reality. Maybe that's what I'm getting wrong; I'm assuming this world is a hell and acting based on that. What I need to do is change my perspective on things, and enjoy what I have. Take a step back, and look at the bigger picture.
Either way, I still feel lost.
